Precious lesson: Living together before marriage taught Jerry Cheng and Ester Chung a lot about one another. They have been married for three years now and have a son.

After two years of commuting between Ampang and Sri Petaling in Kuala Lumpur, Peter Yap and Fong Siew Jean decided that it’d be more practical for them to move in together.

“We saw each other every day. The commute added up to around 50-60km of driving every day, so moving in together was a way of saving time and money,” says Jean.

At 22, Peter and Jean haven’t even thought about marriage seriously. Jean is still studying, while Peter has just started working.

But a year ago, both decided it was the right time to move in together.

Their parents had reservations about them living together, but there were no strong objections.

“I’m the youngest of four, so my mother had a little trouble letting go. But I go home often to spend time with my family,” says Jean.

Peter, however, senses that his father does not quite approve of the arrangement.

“Neither of us asked for their permission, but we’d like to believe they understand that we are adults and can make informed decisions,” says Peter.

It is not uncommon for young couples to co-habit before marriage, especially in big cities where people are less likely to frown upon them or pass judgment. Muslim couples who live together however risk being hauled up by the religious authorities if they are found out. Although the couples we spoke to did not face any social stigma, some of them did not want to be named or photographed because not all their families knew of their living arrangements.

Couples choose to live together for various reasons. Some people would rather avoid the complications of a legally-binding relationship and others simply don’t believe in the institution of marriage.

Most couples however move in together because it seems the most pragmatic thing to do. It seems far less complicated for young couples who are busy establishing their careers to move in together, rather than plunge head on into marriage.

Isabelle, 27 and Ramanan, 33 (not their real names), began renting a room in a friend’s house just a year after they had begun dating. They didn’t want to get married right away because they weren’t ready, and were focusing on building their careers.

“It made sense to us at that point in time. I lived far away from my workplace and it was getting expensive to commute. Ramanan was living closer to my office. We also felt that we were ready for the next step,” says Isabelle, who is a writer.

Another couple Rob and Jenny (not their real names) said they are like a married couple, sharing bills and household responsibilities, but minus the formality of being married and the expectations of starting a family.

For some couples, living together is another step in the courtship ritual. It is the next step after the “dating” stage of a relationship, a stepping stone to marriage.

“We intend to get married in the future but I just feel that I am not financially ready for marriage as well as to support a family. After dating for quite some time, it’s somewhat a compromise between getting married and leaving the relationship on auto-pilot, but we are heading in the right direction,” says Rob, 27.

When couples move in together, they have to contend with new dynamics in their relationships.

In live-in relationships, couples have to deal with seeing each other all the time. Isabelle admits that small arguments are inevitable but hardly damaging.

There is also often the chance that they might begin to take one another for granted.

“This is where you have to start introducing things like ‘date night’ to keep the spark alive, and to also remember that it’s important for each person to have their own personal time,” she says.
 
Ester Chung and Jerry Cheng who lived together for two years before tying the knot, say living together was one of the best decisions they ever made, despite the initial hiccups.

“Sometimes, you feel like you don’t have enough space to do your own thing, so we agreed to let each other know when we wanted to be alone,” explains Ester, 28, who married Jerry three years ago.

For Jerry, 33, the unpleasant aspect of living together was always the arguments. As they were living together, they could not avoid each other. They learnt to retreat to different rooms to cool down.

“However, the experience taught us to be more vocal and to talk things through, especially when it came to personal space.”

Ultimately, the point of living together is to commit to sharing your lives and to learn to accept one another, for better or worse.

It’s not marriage, but it’s a start. To some couples, the benefits of living together outweigh the downside.

“You’ll always have someone to chill out with and talk to at the end of a long day. And there’s a deeper connection because you’ll get to know the other person a lot better, their habits, good and bad,” says Isabelle.

“It definitely prepares you for marriage, and it helps you understand compromise. It’s not always fun and games but then again no relationship is, and that’s what everyone should discover when committing to someone for the long term.”

Peter and Jean say they have learnt so much about each other in the past year, and have learnt to appreciate each other more.

Most importantly, they realise that they have developed a deep trust for one another, from sharing their lives so intimately.