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Looking for the next babbling star


Publication Date : 29-10-2012


If you could have one of the biggest stars in the world endorse your product, what would you have the person do?

Would you make him use your product while saying very nice things about it? Would you have the star drape himself across your product in a seductive manner?

Or would you dress the said star like a homeless person and have him stand in an abandoned building with irregular lighting while saying: "It's not a journey, every journey ends but we go on. The world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear, dreams take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. Chanel No. 5. Inevitable."

For Chanel, which recently got mega- hunk Brad Pitt to peddle its perfume, there was always going to be only one clear answer: homeless incoherent babbling.

And since it was launched, the ad has been making waves. The YouTube video of it has been viewed millions of times, dozens of fans have made their own versions of it in tribute and it has been receiving plenty of free publicity from news programmes and shows such as Saturday Night Live.

There is even a Singaporean version of this.

In fact, the campaign has been so successful in spreading awareness of the Chanel brand that I think it should really start thinking about making more versions.

Specifically, I say it should really have other famous people babble about journeys and inevitability for them. There is nothing like watching an unwashed person get philosophical to make you want to buy perfume.

Anyway, I have taken the liberty of drawing up a list of possible celebrity endorsements. Chanel, you can thank me later.

1. Famous sex blogger and law student Alvin Tan: "It's not a journey, every journey ends but we go on, that is until our phone runs out of battery. God forbid that we do the dirty without taking a visual record for our blog.

We want to be famous and what better way to do it than with a sex blog? I personally can't think of any. This method has been tried and tested by the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.

The world turns and we turn with it, and then we Instagram our junk and put it online.

Plans disappear, like plans for marriage and a career outside of the porn industry. Dreams, wet ones, take over.

But wherever I go, there you are. My pictures, my videos, my trademark rainbow beanie. Expulsion from law school. Inevitable."

2. Facebook racist commenter Amy Cheong: "It's not a journey, every journey ends but these guys just keep going on and on. How long is a void deck wedding supposed to last anyway?

Wait, I know how to solve this problem. I shall write an angry post about it on my Facebook wall while making offensive generalisations about race. That should fix the problem.

The world turns and we suddenly realise there are thousands of angry comments about me online. And why is my boss from the National Trades Union Congress (NTUC) calling me about this? It is just a generic post, right?

Career plans disappear, dreams of hiding out in Australia take over. But wherever I go, there you are. My Facebook post, my luck, my neighbours making noise.

Sacked by NTUC. Inevitable."

3. Director Ken Kwek who made the controversial film Sex.Violence.FamilyValues: "It's not a journey, every journey ends but we go on, making racist jokes in the name of satire. And then we make another one. And another one, until people get slightly uncomfortable.

We do this as social commentary. After all, Singaporeans can deal with it, right? It's not like we are going to get complaints or anything. We are going to make history with this film.

Hmmm, that's not quite the history we were thinking of.

The ratings turn and we turn with them - Not Allowed For All, they say. Plans disappear, dreams of one day getting to see this movie screened in a cinema take over.

But wherever I go, there you are. My fate, my fortune, people asking me to put the movie up on YouTube.

Banned. Inevitable."

4. Psy: "It's not a journey, every journey ends but we go on, with our legs in a horse-riding stance and our hands shaking loosely in front of us.

At this point, I wish it was a journey, so then it could end. But no, people are somehow not sick of this yet.

The world does the lasso move and we do the lasso move with it.

Plans for doing other songs disappear, dreams of shooting the next person who asks me to do Gangnam Style take over.

But wherever I go, there you are. My luck, my fate, people doing the dance badly. Someone doing Gangnam Style at your wedding. Inevitable."


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