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Secret smug owner's guide to iPhone 5

ST ILLUSTRATION: ADAM LEE

Publication Date : 01-10-2012

 

Congratulations on purchasing your new iPhone. You are now the proud owner of the most revolutionary smartphone on the planet. We would like to warmly welcome you to the Apple family/cult.

This document will give you all the information you need to get the most out of your new, top-of-the-range, one-of- a-kind Apple product.

In making this phone, we took the old iPhone 4S the world knows and loves and just made everything better.

We added a faster chip, a better screen, a 4G antenna most of you poor folks in Singapore won't get much use out of, not to mention an all-new maps experience that - well - we're simply lost for words to describe it.

Try it and you'll be lost too.

To top it off, we added all these features and then ran a steamroller over the iPhone 4S. You won't find this kind of bleeding-edge thinking in other companies.

At this point in their instruction manuals, other manufacturers might thank you for purchasing their phones. Not us. You know that's not how this relationship works.

At this point in our instruction manual, we figure you have already turned on your breathtaking new iPhone and are now simply blown away by its sheer beauty and elegance. So, we figure we should pause here for a moment to allow you some time to thank us for creating such a wonderful product and for being willing to sell it to you.

Feel free to send us a flattering e-mail or to conduct a ritualistic animal sacrifice in our honour. We'll just wait here until you are done with your outpouring of gratitude.

All done? Very good. Let us proceed with the rest of the manual.

1. Because we're worth it.

We trust that many of you who have just purchased the new iPhone have done so by first camping overnight in front of a store to get it.

This will ensure that you are one of the first in your geographical area to get your hands on a new iPhone. If you had, say, ordered it online and had it delivered, who knows when it would have arrived.

Some people who pre-ordered their iPhone reported receiving it up to eight hours later than the campers.

The people who don't understand might think: "Hey, that's not so bad. Plus you get to wait in the comfort of your own home instead of on some sidewalk."

They don't understand that the eight hours lost is eight hours you could have been feeling very good about yourself instead of eight hours spent waiting listlessly.

Here, at Apple, we do not just engineer products to have good user experiences, true believers will know about our patented Superiority Complex Engine (SCE).

The way it works is this: Let's say you are walking around with your new iPhone5 and come across someone with a different phone, say something from the evil rounded-rectangle patent-stealing Samsung or some other brand such as Nokia or Sony.

Your iPhone 5 will detect their presence automatically and with the SCE feature running, you will instantly feel like a better, more successful person than the people with those other phones.

Aren't you glad you didn't wait an extra eight hours for this shot of self- esteem?

2. Caring for your iPhone

We have spent million of dollars to come up with the design of your iPhone. You know that two-tone look at the back? That's seven months of research and development right there.

So in order to keep that design in pristine condition, we suggest that once you take it out of the box, you immediately distort it by placing a case on it.

Some of you might want to put a Hello Kitty case on it. That is fine, although we recommend a clear case so that people can notice the two-tone back.

You see, the new iPhone bears some similarity to the old one so people might not instantly notice that you have a new iPhone and thus may be blissfully unaware that you are, in fact, better than them.

Your best bet is to get them to notice the new design on the back. To do that best, we recommend a clear case and always placing your phone screen side down on the meeting table. This is why the screen is made with the toughest glass we could find, but the back is made from some fragile highly scratchable material.

3. Charging your phone

We are introducing an all-new dock connector in this version of the iPhone called Lightning. We called it that because that is how quickly you will notice that none of your old charging accessories work and you have to buy new ones.

Unfortunately, a lot of the new ones are out of stock at the moment, so we recommend you carry around the one we included in the box at all times.

It's all worth it though because you will notice that now, the tip fits in either way and... well, that's the only difference for charging purposes but if you are the sort who often plugs your phone into a computer (we don't do that either), you will find that it also has the potential to be faster. It's not actually faster yet, but it has the potential to be and that is what's important.

4. Apple maps

Well, er, looks like we are all out of space in this instruction manual. Have you noticed how beautiful the new maps icon is? We spent forever on that.

 

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